I'm Back, Baby.....

So it's been....well, several months....I'm still single. Yup. Got a whole new attitude about it. It's sort of settled in with me. I guess I've gotten used to it. Adapted to it. Brought it to bed to snuggle, and discovered it didn't work. But that is where my pets come in. The boyfriend replacement dog has really done wonders for me. It's not perfect, but then, what is? Our fierce black cat, Otis, disappeared last spring. It was hard. Tears were shed. But now we have Kitteus, a lovely short haired black and white tabby who is all about the snuggles. So now my "empty" bed is a bed that contains me, my kitty, my puppy and sometimes my daughter, as well as myself. Not so empty any more.

Not sure why I stopped blogging, and not sure why I started again. But here I am. Not sure what I can report from here on in....I've removed myself from all dating sites, have stopped looking, and have stopped imagining that there is someone out there for me.....at least for right now. Instead I am concentrating on other things, like family, friends, theater and work. It's working out pretty well. I have a lead in the Musical Comedy Guild's production of Annie (I'm Miss Hannigan) and that is enough to keep me crazy busy until Christmas, really. My daughter continues to be a joy to me, and she is so much fun to hang out with now. I'm slowly easing myself into the world of budgeting, a concept that has alluded me lo these many years....and I started knitting again!! The turmoil of my last relationship is in the distant past, now, and I can see clearly the hazards and the delights of what that was for me. I miss it but I know it needed to end.

Good friends, old and new, have helped me to realize how full my life is, and how lucky I am. Most days, I am Queen of my Castle....and I love that. Some days I still feel like something is missing, but I am no longer certain if that is about me, or society. Time will tell, I suppose. At the moment, my goals are to be the best mother possible, to be the best Hannigan man has seen, to rock at teaching my fabulous Henry kids, and to be an available, supportive friend and family member. Oh, and obviously, I need to lose ten pounds before I can hit the stage in lingerie.

Stay tuned....I'm back!

Jane!! Get me off this crazy thing.....called dating!!

Yeah. I think I'm done dating for a while. I honestly have no interest in repeating the whole first date drama again any time soon. And, sadly, I have to say that my feelings or lack thereof for the lovely young man I had my first date with have actually dwindled considerably. I've completely lost interest, in fact. What is the point in pursuing any sort of dating scenario with someone I have no sexual attraction to? That sort of thing isn't going to just pop up one day. The za-za-zu has to be there from the beginning, or it's doomed. This is my firm belief. So why should I torture the poor guy any further when I know it won't go anywhere? No, I think I'm done on that front. I've kind of let him know this but I'll have to be more specific soon. He has noticed my distance lately and I blamed it mostly of my hectic schedule, but I think he realized the truth. I would like to remain friends and continue chatting if he is up for that, but that is all I've got right now.

The ex came by for the rest of his stuff two nights ago. It wasn't as weird or difficult as I had thought it might be. And I didn't have the urge to grab him and march him up to my bedroom, either, which is a good thing. I wish him well and I hope there can be some sort of keeping in touch for us. I hesitate to use the word friendship, but who knows?

The conclusion I have come to these past two weeks is this: I'm really enjoying being alone. Really. So I think I may just go with that for a while. I'm pretty happy these days, in most areas of my life. More than that...I've been quite giddy, actually. Why would I want to change that? No, I think that Oliver, Otis, Olivia and I are just perfectly fine the way we are. And that, my friends, is a lovely, comforting, joyous thing to type. 'Night!!

First Date in OVER a Decade!

Okay. So this time, I was not canceled at the last minute. Which is obviously a plus, for me!! We were meant to meet at a bar/restaurant, but about 35 minutes before we were due to meet, he messaged me and asked if I would like him to pick me up. At this point I had poured a glass of wine and was thinking that I would LOVE to have another.....so I texted my friend: "what should I do?" Her response was that I should meet him there in case he had an axe or a rope in his car. I decided to ignore her advice, and I told him he could pick me up but that I would meet him in my driveway. Furthermore, I told him he was not allowed to axe-murder me on the way to the restaurant! I have been chatting and texting with this guy for months, now. We know a lot about each other. And I just thought it would be less horrible and nerve wracking to meet him in my driveway than the have to search for him and awkwardly meet hiim in a bar. Anyhoo...I stand by my choice. So he picked me up promptly at 8:30 and he had a lovely bouquet of long stemmed white roses for me. Very classy. I can't remember at this point if I hugged him, but I think maybe I did. He opened his car door for me, which was smooth, and very appreciated by me. And on the way there he told me how beautiful I looked. Things were looking good!

So we got to the restaurant and had a seat. We began talking easily and before we knew it the waitress had been by three times to see if we had decided yet. Good sign! But then I started randomly picking apart his features. I don't know why I did this. I didn't mean to. It's like I was forced into it by a higher (lower) power! The conversation in my head went something like this? :" Does he have a lazy eye? What is going on there? I can't tell. Don't stare. There is something freaky with his right eye, isn't there? Maybe there isn't. I honestly can't tell! And what's with those ears? They are kind of sticky-outy. But maybe that is just because he shaves his head. And why does he shave his head? He's balding prematurely, isn't he?" etc etc etc None of that was helpful. Or nice. But there it was, in my brain. So I kept drifting in and out of having a nice time with a very nice young man, and stepping back and conversing with myself about what I didn't like. It was very bizarre. When it was time to go, he suggested a specialty coffee, which I agreed to. We were having a nice time, so I figured it was a good call. We ended up talking about his ex and his situation with his daughter quite a bit, which I didn't mind at all, and which I probably instigated a few times. It's something we have discussed before so it was natural for it to come up tonight. But no matter how engaged I became in the conversation, I found myself floating up over my body, commenting on the situation. It was horrible and I couldn't stop it. Is this normal, in any conceivable way? Is this just a part of the dating world? Because I honestly wouldn't know!

So he wouldn't let me pay for anything. Anything. And he wasn't a macho prick about it, he was just sort of chivalrous and just dismissed my offer to pay for things with a laugh. But in a good way. I liked it. Very gentlemanly. On the way home, we discussed how the date was actually less stressful and scary than we had both thought it would be. And as he pulled up to my house, he explained that he was going to walk me to my door, so that I wouldn't think he was trying to come in. Which he didn't, by the way. So he walked me to the door, I thanked him for the night, he said something about wanting to see me again soon, and then we hugged...and I wasn't sure if there would be a kiss or not, but there was. It was a quick sort of peck kiss, but I think it was fitting. Appropriate for a first date. I am not going to lie, I don't love the facial hair on a guy, and my guy has a goatee.....so the moustache part of it was kind of scratchy, so I'm not sure about the lip quality as of yet. I may need him to shave that off for the next kiss so I can know for sure. Just like the song says "It's in his kiss" and I need the kisses to be good before I can continue on with any guy.

So.....I will agree to see him again. Why wouldn't I? And we will just have to go from there. I think the key for me is to stop analyzing so much and to just go with it and try to enjoy myself. I mean this doesn't have to be anything other than a fun time, right? As long as I am honest with this guy, then I think I can proceed in a dating type fashion and see where it takes me. Except....there is no throw down. None at all. And I really expected there to be. I'm very disappointed. I want the throw down feeling. I miss the throw down feeling. Maybe I was just too nervous, or it is just too early to tell? I don't really buy that. I think the throw down is either there, or it isn't. And that is why I am heading to bed, not floating on a cloud, as I should be, but just sort of half shuffling and half smiling. But we will see. Never say never. Watch this space!

Learning to Date

Happy Valentines Day, People

I have done the unthinkable. I am meeting a lovely young man for a (gasp) date tomorrow night, which is, as you know, Valentines Day. I believe I have mentioned in previous blogs that I have been chatting with a younger (28!!) guy who I've really enjoyed getting to know. I had many reservations about meeting him for a while, but that was mainly to do with my state of mind. I knew I wasn't over my ex and I didn't want to mess anything up (or anyone, for that matter). Lately we've been chatting more and more frequently, loads of text messages, and I really feel like I know a lot about him, and the kind of guy he is. Of course there is always the chance that it is all bullshit....but I doubt that. There is something about this guy that I really like. There is an honesty about him. And there is integrity. He seems very sweet. Also, he has some seriously gorgeous eyes, and crazy long eyelashes. I'm a sucker for eyes.

So now I am crazy excited and crazy nervous. I haven't been on a real date in over a decade. A DECADE!! That is just nuts. I have no idea how this is going to go down. Expectations are high, on both ends. I'm afraid of two things at this point. One: there will be instant attraction, crazy attraction, and it will overpower me. That is a fear. Two: What if one of us hates something about the other one right away? We both have these high hopes. How does one handle that? I just don't know how to approach this shit. I want to be optimistic (it is my nature, after all, although I'm sure that is NOT apparent in this blog) but I'm terrified of what might happen. BUT: This is good. All of this is good. Because honestly, the fact that I have NOT been grieving my ex at all lately is such a great thing. He came by two weeks ago to pick up a letter. It felt weird, but there was no part of me that wanted to throw him up against the wall and kiss him for three days. And that, my friends, is progress!

As an aside...I've been corresponding with an equally young (no, younger I think!!) man that I met last year marking literacy tests in Toronto. I like him. Something clicked with us, I think, whatever that means. But I really enjoy talking to him. We have had a few marathon chats on facebook. I don't know what that means, for sure, but I am glad that we met and I think we will remain friends for a long time. At least I hope we will. I do enjoy our conversations.

So I will let you all know how it goes down on my date. I will give you all of the dirt. The good, the bad, and the ugly. This is my promise to you. I am reporting from the trenches, now, people. Buckle up.

One Day my Prince will come??

Fairy tales, especially the Disney variety, set us up for failure at such a young age. My five year old is already so sold on the happily ever after idea, that it scares me. Take Snow White, for example. Her dad marries a horrible skank, who happens to be evil complete with a crazy talking mirror who assures the bitch that she is the bomb at every opportunity, mostly because it is afraid of her. So Snow White's step-mom decides that Snow White should die. Why? Because she is prettier. So the evil bitch hires a guy to take Snow White into the woods and kill her. Except, he can't. Instead he takes pity on her (presumably because she is so damned perfect and lovely) and just tells her to never return. He lies to the wicked Queen, and poor little Snow White is left to wonder alone in the forest. Even though this has happened to her, and she is forced to live with 7 midgets who make her be their slave, Snow White remains so optimistic. She sings about knowing that her prince will come, one day. She is so sure of it. Do we pity her, or envy her? Part of me wants to slap her. Bitch, you narrowly escaped a gruesome death, one that was ordered by your step-mom, and you are cooking and cleaning for a bunch of dwarves, and still, you are chipper? How is this possible?

On the other hand, I can sort of relate to poor Snow White. I can relate because I, too, have been accused of being stupidly optimistic. I have. It's just that I'm finding it increasingly difficult to tap into that, these days. So I got stood up last week. I should be prepared for that, shouldn't I? It shouldn't be that big of a deal. Except that it is. I'm not really sure how to approach this whole dating at the age of 38 thing. It's so complicated. And everyone I meet is bound to have so much baggage and so many skeletons. I know, and accept this, because I have my own share of baggage and skeletons. But I can't help but think that there is a better way to meet someone than through the computer. I just don't know what that is, realistically. I don't.

Then there is Sleeping Beauty. Damn. She sings about her dream man. "I know you, I danced with you once upon a dream." And she holds so tightly to that dream. Again, I feel the urge to slap. But in the end, she gets her prince. Never mind that she was shut away for her entire life, never knowing her actual parents, and then was forced into a coma until the idiot prince could rescue her. How? With a kiss.

I think I prefer Shrek. It still is a happily ever after fairy tale. But at least there are imperfections. They are ogres, for crying out loud. And there is humour. And she didn't marry her prince. She married her ogre. The ogre that was perfect for her. Maybe I need to start looking for the perfect ogre, instead of the perfect guy. Maybe I should put that in my online dating site status?

The guys who have been messaging me lately have once again been sub-par. Too old, too pathetic, too homely. Call me shallow, but I need a physical connection. I do. I feel like deleting the dating site shit and just getting on with my life. After all, I have a plan. A wonderful plan. Two of my best friends and I have decided on a retirement plan which includes the three of us in one fabulous house. We are that sure that we will still be single. Recently, we have been thinking that we should get things going BEFORE we are too old to have fun. Like the Golden Girls, but we are all Blanche. And we are not golden yet. Good plan!!!

Welcome to the World of Dating

I'm already exhausted with dating, and I haven't even been on a date yet. I kind of assumed that once I felt "ready to date" that I'd just get out there. But there is just so much to factor in. I've put myself on a few online dating sites. I had a hard time doing this. Call me old-school, but it still feels so desperate and introverted and just, I don't know, loser-ish. I know that I'm wrong about this. I'm aware that more people meet through online dating sites than any other place. And where else am I realistically going to meet anyone? Where? At the grocery store? Please. So I have put myself out there. With mixed results. Very mixed. So far, I have been chatting with two guys. The first guy, who is nearly a decade younger than I am, has potential. I think. The second guy is someone I actually knew in grade school and in high school. He is recent. He is my age. And very cute. Aside from these two, I have had many messages from many unsuitable guys. Old ones. Fat ones. Old and fat ones. Crazy ones.

The young guy has wanted to meet me but I have been reluctant. I haven't felt ready. The other guy I agreed to meet last night, for a drink. He cancelled on me, without giving a reason. So he's out.

I'm not sure how to approach this whole dating thing. I'm scared of it but I also know it's time for it. I really have no experience with dating. Not as an adult, anyway. I feel a little out of my element.

I will definitely document my progress (or lack thereof). Wish me luck.

Learning to Turn 38

38. It's just so close to 40. I know, I really know, that you are only as old as you feel. The problem is, I feel like I am something like 19 half of the time. I don't know why. I just do. I know I have gained a great deal of knowledge and experience, and that, at 19, I was an ungodly mess. However, there is still a very big part of me that is perpetually 19. And I'm still not sure if this is a positive thing, or a negative thing. I honestly don't know. So we will see what my birthday brings to me, tomorrow. I had an excellent weekend away shopping. Much silliness, much shopping, much giggling. It's not that 40 is scaring me, it's that 40 is scaring the bejeezuz out of me. That's what it is. I don't know why I am fearing it so much. It's only a number, blah blah. I get it. And it's two whole years away. But somehow, it means something, something significant. I don't want it to, but it does. And all I know is that I need to get a certain amount of things accomplished before I turn 40. I'm not exactly sure what those things are specifically, but I know they exist. And finding out what these things are, and then executing a solid plan to be sure these things end up getting DONE, is my plan for the next two years. For now, for this birthday, I can say this: I have an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, creative daughter, that I grew in my own tummy, and i love her to death. I have a really great job, one that I love, and one that makes a difference in the world. I have my own fabulous house, an adorable and perfect puppy, a delightful cat, and family and friends that absolutely go above and beyond for me, at every turn. I have talent, I have tenacity, and I have love in my life. I am one lucky lady. And I know it. And I am going to kick 38's ass. This will be a stellar year. I can feel it in my bones. Happy birthday to me!

Learning that Getting Away Rocks

So I'm off on a shopping trip this weekend with a friend I've had since highschool. This is a much needed getaway. I've had the post-Christmas, post-production blues. The wallowing has moslty stopped now, which is great. There is no longer an urge to call, or email the ex. Ever. So that is a definite triumph. I joined Weight Watchers with my mom and sister two days ago. I always wnat to lose ten pounds, that's just me. I also want to concnetrate on eating healthier. And the humiliation of being weighed publicly by a total stranger is just what I need to stay on track.

I honestly can't afford this trip, but I know I need it. Looking forward to gossip, silliness, and girl time. And I'm sure wine will be involved, at some point. I will be no one's mother, no one's teacher, and no one's keeper. Sounds perfect.

Learning to NOT Google My Highschool Sweetheart

Eewww. Ick. Bad. Why did I do this? Well, I actually know why I did this. I had a very bizarre dream about my highschool boyfriend the other night. And he popped up in a place I wouldn't have expected him to be. And he was very, VERY prominent. And in the dream, I was very much into him, again, after all these years. So of course a curious gal like me is going to google him. It wasn't pretty. He was the winner of some fish derby contest in some tiny little hick town. He was fat. I barely recognized him. And he wore tiny little round glasses, which were all wrong for him, and only made his face look fatter. How did this happen to a guy I was so totally ready to marry when I was 17? And 18. And then later, after I broke up with him (for being too boring) and then realized I had dumped probably the only decent guy in a 300 mile radius, we got back together, and then I screwed it up again. AGAIN. And for the same reason. Boredom. But the thing is, at the time, this guy was so amazing for me. He balanced me out. He made my laugh. He was an amazing kisser. Sometimes I feel like I have been searching my entire life, since I broke up with my highschool boyfriend, to find someone just like him. Nice like him, And why is there a fruit fly climbing around my screen?? I hate fruit flies. But who the hell knows what this guy is like now. I've actually heard a bit of gossip about him. But he lives in this crazy tiny hick town, and I think maybe he isn't single anymore (divorce followed by quick set-up) and anyways, I know we wouldn't have a thing in common anymore. But then, why was he featured so prominently in my dream? So weird. Shane, wherever you are, I want you to know that you still rate a 10 on my best boyfriends ever list. And even though I'm not a huge fishing derby kind of gal, and the town you live in holds no joy for me, I want you to know that someone who used to love you, still thinks about that love know and then. And I really hope that you are happy, whatever you are doing, and whomever you are with. Because you will always remain, at least to me, the most decent guy on the planet. And I feel totally embarrassed that we had a Richard Marx song as "our song" Sooooooo very embarrassed.

Learning to Stop Being Pathetic

Yeesh. Okay, so my last blog was a tad pathetic. Quite pathetic. Extremely pathetic? Enough already. I'm surprised I still have followers! But it's great to have five official followers! And some random stranger found me by accident and even left me a lovely comment. Cool! Proof that it isn't just my very kind friends plowing through my depressing ramblings. So if I don't want to lose the readership that I do have, then I think it really is time to give the sad gal talk a rest. After all, it IS a new year, a fresh start, and who knows what 2011 might have in store for me? I will definitely do another show, and there is a possibility of fronting an already established local rock band. Someone I despise (probably the ONLY person I despise in the world) is returning to my city, and possibly my place of work, and although that definitely sucks, I refuse to let it affect me. Poisonous people are not unlike contaminated food items: As long as you stay away from them, they can't hurt you, not really! But people who exist only to put others down, people who revel in the failures of others, people who spread toxic nonsense about others in order to feel better about themselves, well these people are just plain sad. And maybe you are thinking, "Who is SHE to talk about "sad?" Well, I may be pathetic from time to time, when I am feeling sorry for myself but I can honestly say that I never have and never will take pleasure from someone else's misfortune. I never feel good about someone else's failure. And I always feel sincere happiness for people when they succeed. I've never bad-mouthed a friend, and I've never gone out of my way to humiliate another. Ever. I have no room in my life for anyone like that. And I never will. So, my message to the toxic people of the world is: Stay away from me, and from the people I love. If we all turned our backs on these people, they would have no power.

Well that ended up being kind of preachy. Sorry. But definitely an improvement from the sad, whiney stuff, don't you think?

Learning to be Lonely

I just feel so pathetic lately.  I know I'm better than this. Stronger than this.  I just don't understand why the loneliness is hitting me so very hard.  In unexpected ways.  I feel lost.  And that confuses me.  I wanted to be single. I wanted my independence.  It's still what I want, and need, right now.  But it hurts much more than I thought it would.   When my daughter isn't with me, I miss her, and miss her, and feel awful that she isn't with me.  But then, sometimes, when she is with me, I feel overywhelmed, and underequipped to handle being a single mother.  I feel like I should be doing it better.  And I feel guilty that she is the daughter of a broken marriage. I do.  Even though I know she would have been much worse off if I'd stayed in the marriage....I still feel guilty.  I watch stupid movies, and tv shows, and commercials, even, which showcase perfect families, doing perfect family things, and they all make me feel bad.  It's such a trap.  And I feel so bad that she is an only child.  I do.  But what hope do I have to change that?  I'm 37, soon to be 38, with no man in sight....and that makes me feel sad, too.  For her, and for me.  In a way, I don't feel like I'm done yet, having children.  But, I guess I am.  What choice do I have?  Men are so lucky.  They can have children until they are grandparents.  Well into their 70s and beyond.  But we have the ticking clock, and all the difficult choices, and the painful childbirth.....it just seems so unfair sometimes.   Sometimes I wish I would have had my daughter earlier, but I simply was not ready to be a mother until I was 32.  I wasn't.  It's funny: Just when I think I'm where I want to be in life, something changes, and I'm off striving for something else. I do know that this is how it should be.   I know that my willingness to embrace change is something that many people do not possess.  And I know that this willingness in important, from a growth point of view.  I know all of this.  I do.  But knowing shit, and accepting it, well, these are two different things.  Maybe it's the vodka, or maybe it is the ridiculous romantic comedies that I have had on in the background today, but I think I still feel hopeful.  Hopeful for romance.  Hopeful for something extraordinary.  Hopeful for something that will last.  I've been accused of being an optimist, many, many, times in my life.  Usually by close friends, in disgust.  I think I am still that.  So as jaded as I sometimes feel, I'm going to decide to put my heart out there, one more time.  I will.  I will believe that there is still something out there for me.  And when it comes my way, I will accept it.  I will.  I will not chase it away with sarcasm and bitterness.  So.  My New Year's resolution must be this: believe that love is possible for me.  If I can do that, I will be very satisfied.  Even if I don't find said love, I will be satisfied if I can at least accept that it might happen for me.  I'll keep you posted.

December 27th - Lonely, lonely Christmas

So this has been my first official single gal Christmas since my marriage broke up three years ago.  And it really kind of sucked, in many ways.  Even though both my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend both hated Christmas, bitched about it constantly, and generally killed my Christmas buzz often...I still had someone to celebrate with.  Someone to snuggle up with under the Christmas tree.  Someone to meet under the misteltoe.  I've been ridiculously lonely.  I've been very near to calling the ex and demanding he run over here immediately...very near indeed.  I haven't done it (yet) because I know I will regret it instantly.  But the thought of those wonderful, soft lips...I've never been kissed like that before in my life.  I suspect I never will.  It was just that good.   And more than the sex, I just miss being held.  Jesus,  I sound so pathetic.  I wish I could be one of those people who can just have sex and enjoy it and move on.  But I never have been. And I never will be.  I don't want to have sex without love, and I'm too afraid to be in another relationship.  Quite the conundrum.  Shit.

I'm No Longer Counting Days

I can't be sure to blog every night.  And I think that is probably a good sign.  The production I was in has wrapped up, and although I miss it, it is nice to have some time to myself.   My auntie died last night.  It's  a very sad thing. My mom and another sister were there with her. I don't think she had even been awake for a few days.  It's just all so very sad.  I wish I could do something to help my mom.  She lost a sister last year around this time.  Can't imagine how that feels.

I've been feeling very lonely lately.  I've been missing company. And I've been missing cuddles, and kisses.  I've been missing having someone to help me do the things I can't do myself.  I'm trying not to be sad, I really am.  But I am. 

Days 24 to 28: Living in a Production-filled Haze

I haven't blogged in ages.  Lashings of apologies, to the three or four of you out there who may have actually been following my progress (or lack thereof).  As I believe I have mentioned in previous entries, I'm involved in a huge community theatre production and it opens this Wednesday.  For the past three weeks it has been an almost every day thing.  So that, on top of a full time job, a child, a house I own by myself, and various other family obligations, means I have stretched pretty darn thin.  But I'm also loving it.  A lot.  I just love theatre people.  I do. For the most part, we are positive.  We are extroverts with a purpose.  We are also fairly decent people, I would say.  And fun.  Theatre people are fun.  And  non-judgemental.  And a little bit crazy.  I must admit, I will miss my little family when it is all finished.  It is always a huge let-down when a show ends.  It's almost like a break-up.  And I'm a little afraid of that.  Lately I have been so preoccupied with the show, that I really haven't had time to wallow, to cry, to regret.  I'm just a tad apprehensive about the possibility that when the show ends, I'll crash.  It very well could be a double break up situation to deal with, if I'm not careful.  My only hope is Christmas.  It's just around the corner, I've still got so much to do, so maybe that will occupy enough to save me from another crash.  At least, that is what I am hoping for.  Maybe that should be my Christmas wish. 

In other news, my auntie is in the hospital and things look very bad. I've never been particulary close to her, but she has always been someone I have thought about a great deal.  My aunt is mentally challenged,  and she has lived her life through a child's eyes, in many ways.  There were times when I was little that I was afraid of her.  I didn't understand why she was so different.  After that I was just very curious.  I wanted to know how if felt to be her.  Next came a sort of realization that maybe SHE was the one to be envied.  She didn't sit around sulking over a failed relationship.  She didn't get weighed down by the gallons of shit that the rest of us allow ourselves to get weighed down with.  She found happiness in the simple things. Imagine living your life through the eyes of a child.  In a lot of ways, I envy that.  We can never get back the magic of our childhood.  But she got to keep it.  And I think that makes her very fortunate, and very special.  And it makes me so sad to think that  she is in the hospital, in pain, probably confused and afraid.  She is one of the purest souls I've ever met.  I hope she finds the kind of peace that she deserves.

Days 22 and 23: Noticing the Opposite Sex Again

People, I have been noticing the opposite sex again lately....and I mean really NOTICING them.  Somehow I've gone from "I don't give a shit"  to "Oh you're kind of cute and maybe I COULD give a shit!"  It hasn't happened often, because in this small town, it just wouldn't.  But it HAS happened.  And it is making me feel something like joy.  What could be more fun that a little bit of flirtation?  That whole excitement that builds around meeting someone new, discovering what your chemistry is, trying not to be nervous, etc.   That could be good.  Very good.  A hell of a lot better than brooding, that's for sure.  So it looks like I am beginning to see things in a much more positive light.  Finally.  Now, don't get my wrong....I'm not out there looking.  Not yet.  Maybe not for a very long time.  But I guess where I am is in the place where I can see that I WILL want to be out there looking, at some point.  And that feels like a good place to be in, right now.  I like this place.  It is a hopeful place to be.  And I've always   been a hopeful person. Without hope, what do we have?

Time for bed for this chick.  Here's hoping that this hopeful place doesn't disappear on me.  I will cross my fingers and my toes.  And just for luck, I will pray to Cliff Burton and Thor.  They won't dissappoint me.  Not now.

Days 20 and 21: The Curse of the Five Year Old's Germs

I'm sick.  I knew it was coming, I did.  My girl came home sick over a week ago, and I just knew it was coming for me.  I should have just licked her and got it over with.  But no, I had to go overboard with vitamins and Airbourne and do everything in my power to fight it off.  But the inevitable happened, and now I am sick.  And not like sniffles and a slight cough kind of sick.  I am fevered, I have razor-blade throat, I'm congested but also snotty, and I feel like my head is about to explode.  Often I feel dizzy.  Not the sort of thing you need one week before showtime.  Plus, I have the broken back, so I now need to choose between back pain medication and degongestants. Very tough call.

I spent most of the weekend in bed (well, on the floor, actually) and I think that helped a great deal.  But I still feel like a big bag of shite.  So I shall finish off my hot toddy, brush my teeth, and try to sleep with my mouth open.  I haven't had anymore scary phone calls or messages, so I'm thinking (hoping) that the worst is behind me.  I don't really believe that, but I am hoping for it.  After all, what do we have, if we don't have hope?  A whole lot of nothing, that's what I think.  Sweet dreams!

Day 19: Winter Sucks for Single Women

It is so sad that I had to have my poor, retired father come over and help me with my drive-way.  He has aches and pains, he already had to do his own, plus he is dealing with a recent dental thing.  My neighbour even had to help out.  I had like 4 feet of snow in the area around my side door.  Nasty.  I want to be able to do all of this stuff my self, but the truth is, I can't.  Not with my broken back.  But I just hate burdening my poor father.  Maybe staying in a bad relationship was worth the winter months of shoveling?  Hmm.  I guess not.  So currently I have an ice pack on my lower back, and I won't be able to type for long because I can't sit.  I need to stand or lie on the floor.  It really sucks.  I'm missing a show tonight that I already had a ticket to see.  So here I am, again, on the floor with my puppy.  Another lonely night.  At least I got a lot accomplished today.  A little shopping, some housework, the drive-way, of course, and I even made a fairly tasty beef stew.  I tried to do dumplings, too, but they just aren't very good.  And my puppy is so freaked out about the snow that he is refusing to do his business outside.  Instead, he is doing it inside.  Very gross.

I broke down and bought him a sweater and some boots today.  He hates them, but they do the trick.  He is able to spend more time outside without shivering, but he still won't pee for me.  Very frustrating.

So I need to get back down on the floor, now.  Time for some heat, then more ice.  After that, I'm thinking hot bath, then sleep.  On the floor, of course.  I keep thinking about that PussyCat Dolls song:  "I don't need a man to make me happy, I get off being free. I don't need a man to make me feel good. I get off doing my thing. I don't need a ring around my finger to make me feel complete."   I wonder if the PussyCat Dolls have to shovel their own driveways?  Did they consider this when they wrote this song?  Did the guy who probably wrote this song for them factor in the drive-way factor?   Dang.  I guess I don't need a man, but I do need someone to help me do my drive-way.  I think my puppy takes care of the rest.  Floor time now.  Ouch.

Day 18: Snow Storm (without a man) means I Have to Shovel!!!

Dang.  There is so much freaking snow out there. Seriously.  I tried to take my puppy out for a potty break earlier and he was like, I don't think so.  He rolled in the three feet of snow a bit, ate some, did some digging, then jumped back into the house.  He is totally going to pee on my floor tonight.  But, more importantly, I have to shovel.  I do.  I don't want to shovel.  Ever.  And I have this broken back, this very broken back, and how can I manage all of this?  I want to believe that I can handle it all.  Other women do.  I want to be complete with just me and my daughter, without any man.  I really, really do.  But truthfully, it is so much nicer when someone else takes out your garbage, does your recycling and shovels your driveway.  So much nicer.

But I guess I need to step up and just get it done.  I'm strong enough.   Maybe I can be every woman, like the song says.  So, I will shovel.  I will.   And it will be fine.  So I'm going to try to get my puppy to pee again, now, in the deep snow.  Wish me luck!

Day 17: Where Has My Libido Gone?

So I've just had a rather shocking realization.   I haven't even THOUGHT  about sex in ages.  My libido seems to have suddenly dried up.  I don't understand it.  Please understand, whatever issues my ex may have had, he was a dynamo in the bedroom.  And I suddenly found myself, after nearly ten years of a mostly sexless marriage, paired up with a guy who wanted to have sex every single day, at least once, and often three or four times a day.  It was the sexual jackpot! Plus, he absolutely knew what he was doing, if you know what I mean.  This guy was definitely my sexual lobster.  Since the break-up, I've missed him a lot, and I've missed the cuddles and the kissing and the spooning and the company, but I haven't really missed the sex, and I just don't understand why.  What has happened to me?  Could I be (gasp) past my sexual prime now?  I'm horrified.

Perhaps I have been so distracted by emotions that I have just been ignoring that part of me.  I hope that is what it is.  On the other hand, perhaps a lowered libido would be beneficial to me at this point in my life.  I mean, seriously, what prospects do I have?  I live in a small city, notorious for being short of single men, and I'm a 37 year old single mom.  Plus, I'm terrified of ever letting anyone move in with me again.  I worked hard to get my single gal house, which I love...why would I want to risk losing 50% of what I have to some guy if things go wrong? 

Even my battery-operated options have been completely ignored.  I haven't even had batteries in the rabbit for months.  Something is seriously wrong, here.  Maybe it is the onset of early menopause?  Now THAT would make me even more appetizing to the opposite sex, wouldn't it?  Jeez.   Now I'm totally depressed. 

A stupid 80s love song on the radio  got me shedding tears in the car today.  "Faithfully" by Journey was on, and I was singing along, and  when the line "Oh girl, you stand by me" came up, I just started blubbering.  Because I didn't stand by him.  I left him.  At least, that is what the guilt in me was thinking.  In reality, I know that I styaed with him for two years through all kinds of shit, because I wanted things to work and I wanted him to be what I believed he could be.  And once that thought hit me, the tears stopped, and I felt okay again.  I even finished singing the rest of the song.  I do love Journey.  If you don't have their greatest hits, I insist you go out and purchase it immediately. 

So I am going to finish my little glass of red, watch an episode of Seinfeld, and hit the floor, where I sleep these days due to lower back issues.  Sweet dreams.

Days 15 and 16

Busy, busy, busy times.  And that is a good thing.  I'm involved in a community musical theatre production, which is currently taking up loads of time, thank god.  Otherwise I'd have enough time to wallow and over-analyze stuff.  I had wicked nightmares again last night.  And it really bummed me out, because I've really been feeling positive these past few days.  In my dream I was back with my ex even though I didn't want to be.  I'm fuzzy on the details.  But we were at a family dinner and he was being so rude and so mean to everyone, including me, and I was just mortified.  I made up an excuse so we could leave early, and he yelled at me all the way home, blaming me for everything.  All I did was stare out the window and try not to cry.  When I woke up I was sure the whole thing had happened.  Once I was all the way awake, I realized that it had, in fact happened, about six months ago.  My dream was really an updated memory, with different clothing and circumstances thrown in.  Trippy.

I'm very sad about the arrangements for my daughter this Christmas.  My ex is claiming her for Christmas Eve festivities as well as for the meal on Christmas Day.  I think I will be devasted.  I've had her the past three Christmasses, I think, not because I was hogging her, but because the ex couldn't handle being around me and just let me have her.  ( I'm speaking of the ex husband here, not the ex boyfriend.....try to keep up!)   And then last year he had a girlfriend  (Natasha!)  so he decided to build his plans around her, which meant, again, that I had her for the main stuff.  This year will just about kill me.  I will be sleeping at the ex's house (on the couch) so we can all spend Christmas morning together.  I would rather die then wake up Christmas morning without my daughter!  That part will be great.  But the rest?  My family is so sad about this news.  Divorce really does suck, sometimes. 

So I plan to get to bed at a decent time tonight  and I hope and pray that my little Diva doesn't throw a fit in the morning when she wants to change her outfit about 2 seconds before we need to leave.  "But mama, this outfit is not fashionable enough, and the leggings don't match!"  she will complain.  I know a lot of this is my own fault, and part of me is thrilled that she has such a keen interest in fashion and takes obvious joy in creating interesting and bizarre looks, BUT,  she is certainly difficult to deal with in these situations, particularly in the morning rush.   Once again, I pray to Thor, Vishnu, Allah, Cliff Burton and the baby Jesus for guidance and strength.  Goodnight!!