December 27th - Lonely, lonely Christmas

So this has been my first official single gal Christmas since my marriage broke up three years ago.  And it really kind of sucked, in many ways.  Even though both my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend both hated Christmas, bitched about it constantly, and generally killed my Christmas buzz often...I still had someone to celebrate with.  Someone to snuggle up with under the Christmas tree.  Someone to meet under the misteltoe.  I've been ridiculously lonely.  I've been very near to calling the ex and demanding he run over here immediately...very near indeed.  I haven't done it (yet) because I know I will regret it instantly.  But the thought of those wonderful, soft lips...I've never been kissed like that before in my life.  I suspect I never will.  It was just that good.   And more than the sex, I just miss being held.  Jesus,  I sound so pathetic.  I wish I could be one of those people who can just have sex and enjoy it and move on.  But I never have been. And I never will be.  I don't want to have sex without love, and I'm too afraid to be in another relationship.  Quite the conundrum.  Shit.

I'm No Longer Counting Days

I can't be sure to blog every night.  And I think that is probably a good sign.  The production I was in has wrapped up, and although I miss it, it is nice to have some time to myself.   My auntie died last night.  It's  a very sad thing. My mom and another sister were there with her. I don't think she had even been awake for a few days.  It's just all so very sad.  I wish I could do something to help my mom.  She lost a sister last year around this time.  Can't imagine how that feels.

I've been feeling very lonely lately.  I've been missing company. And I've been missing cuddles, and kisses.  I've been missing having someone to help me do the things I can't do myself.  I'm trying not to be sad, I really am.  But I am. 

Days 24 to 28: Living in a Production-filled Haze

I haven't blogged in ages.  Lashings of apologies, to the three or four of you out there who may have actually been following my progress (or lack thereof).  As I believe I have mentioned in previous entries, I'm involved in a huge community theatre production and it opens this Wednesday.  For the past three weeks it has been an almost every day thing.  So that, on top of a full time job, a child, a house I own by myself, and various other family obligations, means I have stretched pretty darn thin.  But I'm also loving it.  A lot.  I just love theatre people.  I do. For the most part, we are positive.  We are extroverts with a purpose.  We are also fairly decent people, I would say.  And fun.  Theatre people are fun.  And  non-judgemental.  And a little bit crazy.  I must admit, I will miss my little family when it is all finished.  It is always a huge let-down when a show ends.  It's almost like a break-up.  And I'm a little afraid of that.  Lately I have been so preoccupied with the show, that I really haven't had time to wallow, to cry, to regret.  I'm just a tad apprehensive about the possibility that when the show ends, I'll crash.  It very well could be a double break up situation to deal with, if I'm not careful.  My only hope is Christmas.  It's just around the corner, I've still got so much to do, so maybe that will occupy enough to save me from another crash.  At least, that is what I am hoping for.  Maybe that should be my Christmas wish. 

In other news, my auntie is in the hospital and things look very bad. I've never been particulary close to her, but she has always been someone I have thought about a great deal.  My aunt is mentally challenged,  and she has lived her life through a child's eyes, in many ways.  There were times when I was little that I was afraid of her.  I didn't understand why she was so different.  After that I was just very curious.  I wanted to know how if felt to be her.  Next came a sort of realization that maybe SHE was the one to be envied.  She didn't sit around sulking over a failed relationship.  She didn't get weighed down by the gallons of shit that the rest of us allow ourselves to get weighed down with.  She found happiness in the simple things. Imagine living your life through the eyes of a child.  In a lot of ways, I envy that.  We can never get back the magic of our childhood.  But she got to keep it.  And I think that makes her very fortunate, and very special.  And it makes me so sad to think that  she is in the hospital, in pain, probably confused and afraid.  She is one of the purest souls I've ever met.  I hope she finds the kind of peace that she deserves.

Days 22 and 23: Noticing the Opposite Sex Again

People, I have been noticing the opposite sex again lately....and I mean really NOTICING them.  Somehow I've gone from "I don't give a shit"  to "Oh you're kind of cute and maybe I COULD give a shit!"  It hasn't happened often, because in this small town, it just wouldn't.  But it HAS happened.  And it is making me feel something like joy.  What could be more fun that a little bit of flirtation?  That whole excitement that builds around meeting someone new, discovering what your chemistry is, trying not to be nervous, etc.   That could be good.  Very good.  A hell of a lot better than brooding, that's for sure.  So it looks like I am beginning to see things in a much more positive light.  Finally.  Now, don't get my wrong....I'm not out there looking.  Not yet.  Maybe not for a very long time.  But I guess where I am is in the place where I can see that I WILL want to be out there looking, at some point.  And that feels like a good place to be in, right now.  I like this place.  It is a hopeful place to be.  And I've always   been a hopeful person. Without hope, what do we have?

Time for bed for this chick.  Here's hoping that this hopeful place doesn't disappear on me.  I will cross my fingers and my toes.  And just for luck, I will pray to Cliff Burton and Thor.  They won't dissappoint me.  Not now.

Days 20 and 21: The Curse of the Five Year Old's Germs

I'm sick.  I knew it was coming, I did.  My girl came home sick over a week ago, and I just knew it was coming for me.  I should have just licked her and got it over with.  But no, I had to go overboard with vitamins and Airbourne and do everything in my power to fight it off.  But the inevitable happened, and now I am sick.  And not like sniffles and a slight cough kind of sick.  I am fevered, I have razor-blade throat, I'm congested but also snotty, and I feel like my head is about to explode.  Often I feel dizzy.  Not the sort of thing you need one week before showtime.  Plus, I have the broken back, so I now need to choose between back pain medication and degongestants. Very tough call.

I spent most of the weekend in bed (well, on the floor, actually) and I think that helped a great deal.  But I still feel like a big bag of shite.  So I shall finish off my hot toddy, brush my teeth, and try to sleep with my mouth open.  I haven't had anymore scary phone calls or messages, so I'm thinking (hoping) that the worst is behind me.  I don't really believe that, but I am hoping for it.  After all, what do we have, if we don't have hope?  A whole lot of nothing, that's what I think.  Sweet dreams!

Day 19: Winter Sucks for Single Women

It is so sad that I had to have my poor, retired father come over and help me with my drive-way.  He has aches and pains, he already had to do his own, plus he is dealing with a recent dental thing.  My neighbour even had to help out.  I had like 4 feet of snow in the area around my side door.  Nasty.  I want to be able to do all of this stuff my self, but the truth is, I can't.  Not with my broken back.  But I just hate burdening my poor father.  Maybe staying in a bad relationship was worth the winter months of shoveling?  Hmm.  I guess not.  So currently I have an ice pack on my lower back, and I won't be able to type for long because I can't sit.  I need to stand or lie on the floor.  It really sucks.  I'm missing a show tonight that I already had a ticket to see.  So here I am, again, on the floor with my puppy.  Another lonely night.  At least I got a lot accomplished today.  A little shopping, some housework, the drive-way, of course, and I even made a fairly tasty beef stew.  I tried to do dumplings, too, but they just aren't very good.  And my puppy is so freaked out about the snow that he is refusing to do his business outside.  Instead, he is doing it inside.  Very gross.

I broke down and bought him a sweater and some boots today.  He hates them, but they do the trick.  He is able to spend more time outside without shivering, but he still won't pee for me.  Very frustrating.

So I need to get back down on the floor, now.  Time for some heat, then more ice.  After that, I'm thinking hot bath, then sleep.  On the floor, of course.  I keep thinking about that PussyCat Dolls song:  "I don't need a man to make me happy, I get off being free. I don't need a man to make me feel good. I get off doing my thing. I don't need a ring around my finger to make me feel complete."   I wonder if the PussyCat Dolls have to shovel their own driveways?  Did they consider this when they wrote this song?  Did the guy who probably wrote this song for them factor in the drive-way factor?   Dang.  I guess I don't need a man, but I do need someone to help me do my drive-way.  I think my puppy takes care of the rest.  Floor time now.  Ouch.

Day 18: Snow Storm (without a man) means I Have to Shovel!!!

Dang.  There is so much freaking snow out there. Seriously.  I tried to take my puppy out for a potty break earlier and he was like, I don't think so.  He rolled in the three feet of snow a bit, ate some, did some digging, then jumped back into the house.  He is totally going to pee on my floor tonight.  But, more importantly, I have to shovel.  I do.  I don't want to shovel.  Ever.  And I have this broken back, this very broken back, and how can I manage all of this?  I want to believe that I can handle it all.  Other women do.  I want to be complete with just me and my daughter, without any man.  I really, really do.  But truthfully, it is so much nicer when someone else takes out your garbage, does your recycling and shovels your driveway.  So much nicer.

But I guess I need to step up and just get it done.  I'm strong enough.   Maybe I can be every woman, like the song says.  So, I will shovel.  I will.   And it will be fine.  So I'm going to try to get my puppy to pee again, now, in the deep snow.  Wish me luck!