Learning to Turn 38

38. It's just so close to 40. I know, I really know, that you are only as old as you feel. The problem is, I feel like I am something like 19 half of the time. I don't know why. I just do. I know I have gained a great deal of knowledge and experience, and that, at 19, I was an ungodly mess. However, there is still a very big part of me that is perpetually 19. And I'm still not sure if this is a positive thing, or a negative thing. I honestly don't know. So we will see what my birthday brings to me, tomorrow. I had an excellent weekend away shopping. Much silliness, much shopping, much giggling. It's not that 40 is scaring me, it's that 40 is scaring the bejeezuz out of me. That's what it is. I don't know why I am fearing it so much. It's only a number, blah blah. I get it. And it's two whole years away. But somehow, it means something, something significant. I don't want it to, but it does. And all I know is that I need to get a certain amount of things accomplished before I turn 40. I'm not exactly sure what those things are specifically, but I know they exist. And finding out what these things are, and then executing a solid plan to be sure these things end up getting DONE, is my plan for the next two years. For now, for this birthday, I can say this: I have an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, creative daughter, that I grew in my own tummy, and i love her to death. I have a really great job, one that I love, and one that makes a difference in the world. I have my own fabulous house, an adorable and perfect puppy, a delightful cat, and family and friends that absolutely go above and beyond for me, at every turn. I have talent, I have tenacity, and I have love in my life. I am one lucky lady. And I know it. And I am going to kick 38's ass. This will be a stellar year. I can feel it in my bones. Happy birthday to me!

Learning that Getting Away Rocks

So I'm off on a shopping trip this weekend with a friend I've had since highschool. This is a much needed getaway. I've had the post-Christmas, post-production blues. The wallowing has moslty stopped now, which is great. There is no longer an urge to call, or email the ex. Ever. So that is a definite triumph. I joined Weight Watchers with my mom and sister two days ago. I always wnat to lose ten pounds, that's just me. I also want to concnetrate on eating healthier. And the humiliation of being weighed publicly by a total stranger is just what I need to stay on track.

I honestly can't afford this trip, but I know I need it. Looking forward to gossip, silliness, and girl time. And I'm sure wine will be involved, at some point. I will be no one's mother, no one's teacher, and no one's keeper. Sounds perfect.

Learning to NOT Google My Highschool Sweetheart

Eewww. Ick. Bad. Why did I do this? Well, I actually know why I did this. I had a very bizarre dream about my highschool boyfriend the other night. And he popped up in a place I wouldn't have expected him to be. And he was very, VERY prominent. And in the dream, I was very much into him, again, after all these years. So of course a curious gal like me is going to google him. It wasn't pretty. He was the winner of some fish derby contest in some tiny little hick town. He was fat. I barely recognized him. And he wore tiny little round glasses, which were all wrong for him, and only made his face look fatter. How did this happen to a guy I was so totally ready to marry when I was 17? And 18. And then later, after I broke up with him (for being too boring) and then realized I had dumped probably the only decent guy in a 300 mile radius, we got back together, and then I screwed it up again. AGAIN. And for the same reason. Boredom. But the thing is, at the time, this guy was so amazing for me. He balanced me out. He made my laugh. He was an amazing kisser. Sometimes I feel like I have been searching my entire life, since I broke up with my highschool boyfriend, to find someone just like him. Nice like him, And why is there a fruit fly climbing around my screen?? I hate fruit flies. But who the hell knows what this guy is like now. I've actually heard a bit of gossip about him. But he lives in this crazy tiny hick town, and I think maybe he isn't single anymore (divorce followed by quick set-up) and anyways, I know we wouldn't have a thing in common anymore. But then, why was he featured so prominently in my dream? So weird. Shane, wherever you are, I want you to know that you still rate a 10 on my best boyfriends ever list. And even though I'm not a huge fishing derby kind of gal, and the town you live in holds no joy for me, I want you to know that someone who used to love you, still thinks about that love know and then. And I really hope that you are happy, whatever you are doing, and whomever you are with. Because you will always remain, at least to me, the most decent guy on the planet. And I feel totally embarrassed that we had a Richard Marx song as "our song" Sooooooo very embarrassed.

Learning to Stop Being Pathetic

Yeesh. Okay, so my last blog was a tad pathetic. Quite pathetic. Extremely pathetic? Enough already. I'm surprised I still have followers! But it's great to have five official followers! And some random stranger found me by accident and even left me a lovely comment. Cool! Proof that it isn't just my very kind friends plowing through my depressing ramblings. So if I don't want to lose the readership that I do have, then I think it really is time to give the sad gal talk a rest. After all, it IS a new year, a fresh start, and who knows what 2011 might have in store for me? I will definitely do another show, and there is a possibility of fronting an already established local rock band. Someone I despise (probably the ONLY person I despise in the world) is returning to my city, and possibly my place of work, and although that definitely sucks, I refuse to let it affect me. Poisonous people are not unlike contaminated food items: As long as you stay away from them, they can't hurt you, not really! But people who exist only to put others down, people who revel in the failures of others, people who spread toxic nonsense about others in order to feel better about themselves, well these people are just plain sad. And maybe you are thinking, "Who is SHE to talk about "sad?" Well, I may be pathetic from time to time, when I am feeling sorry for myself but I can honestly say that I never have and never will take pleasure from someone else's misfortune. I never feel good about someone else's failure. And I always feel sincere happiness for people when they succeed. I've never bad-mouthed a friend, and I've never gone out of my way to humiliate another. Ever. I have no room in my life for anyone like that. And I never will. So, my message to the toxic people of the world is: Stay away from me, and from the people I love. If we all turned our backs on these people, they would have no power.

Well that ended up being kind of preachy. Sorry. But definitely an improvement from the sad, whiney stuff, don't you think?

Learning to be Lonely

I just feel so pathetic lately.  I know I'm better than this. Stronger than this.  I just don't understand why the loneliness is hitting me so very hard.  In unexpected ways.  I feel lost.  And that confuses me.  I wanted to be single. I wanted my independence.  It's still what I want, and need, right now.  But it hurts much more than I thought it would.   When my daughter isn't with me, I miss her, and miss her, and feel awful that she isn't with me.  But then, sometimes, when she is with me, I feel overywhelmed, and underequipped to handle being a single mother.  I feel like I should be doing it better.  And I feel guilty that she is the daughter of a broken marriage. I do.  Even though I know she would have been much worse off if I'd stayed in the marriage....I still feel guilty.  I watch stupid movies, and tv shows, and commercials, even, which showcase perfect families, doing perfect family things, and they all make me feel bad.  It's such a trap.  And I feel so bad that she is an only child.  I do.  But what hope do I have to change that?  I'm 37, soon to be 38, with no man in sight....and that makes me feel sad, too.  For her, and for me.  In a way, I don't feel like I'm done yet, having children.  But, I guess I am.  What choice do I have?  Men are so lucky.  They can have children until they are grandparents.  Well into their 70s and beyond.  But we have the ticking clock, and all the difficult choices, and the painful childbirth.....it just seems so unfair sometimes.   Sometimes I wish I would have had my daughter earlier, but I simply was not ready to be a mother until I was 32.  I wasn't.  It's funny: Just when I think I'm where I want to be in life, something changes, and I'm off striving for something else. I do know that this is how it should be.   I know that my willingness to embrace change is something that many people do not possess.  And I know that this willingness in important, from a growth point of view.  I know all of this.  I do.  But knowing shit, and accepting it, well, these are two different things.  Maybe it's the vodka, or maybe it is the ridiculous romantic comedies that I have had on in the background today, but I think I still feel hopeful.  Hopeful for romance.  Hopeful for something extraordinary.  Hopeful for something that will last.  I've been accused of being an optimist, many, many, times in my life.  Usually by close friends, in disgust.  I think I am still that.  So as jaded as I sometimes feel, I'm going to decide to put my heart out there, one more time.  I will.  I will believe that there is still something out there for me.  And when it comes my way, I will accept it.  I will.  I will not chase it away with sarcasm and bitterness.  So.  My New Year's resolution must be this: believe that love is possible for me.  If I can do that, I will be very satisfied.  Even if I don't find said love, I will be satisfied if I can at least accept that it might happen for me.  I'll keep you posted.