Learning to be Lonely

I just feel so pathetic lately.  I know I'm better than this. Stronger than this.  I just don't understand why the loneliness is hitting me so very hard.  In unexpected ways.  I feel lost.  And that confuses me.  I wanted to be single. I wanted my independence.  It's still what I want, and need, right now.  But it hurts much more than I thought it would.   When my daughter isn't with me, I miss her, and miss her, and feel awful that she isn't with me.  But then, sometimes, when she is with me, I feel overywhelmed, and underequipped to handle being a single mother.  I feel like I should be doing it better.  And I feel guilty that she is the daughter of a broken marriage. I do.  Even though I know she would have been much worse off if I'd stayed in the marriage....I still feel guilty.  I watch stupid movies, and tv shows, and commercials, even, which showcase perfect families, doing perfect family things, and they all make me feel bad.  It's such a trap.  And I feel so bad that she is an only child.  I do.  But what hope do I have to change that?  I'm 37, soon to be 38, with no man in sight....and that makes me feel sad, too.  For her, and for me.  In a way, I don't feel like I'm done yet, having children.  But, I guess I am.  What choice do I have?  Men are so lucky.  They can have children until they are grandparents.  Well into their 70s and beyond.  But we have the ticking clock, and all the difficult choices, and the painful childbirth.....it just seems so unfair sometimes.   Sometimes I wish I would have had my daughter earlier, but I simply was not ready to be a mother until I was 32.  I wasn't.  It's funny: Just when I think I'm where I want to be in life, something changes, and I'm off striving for something else. I do know that this is how it should be.   I know that my willingness to embrace change is something that many people do not possess.  And I know that this willingness in important, from a growth point of view.  I know all of this.  I do.  But knowing shit, and accepting it, well, these are two different things.  Maybe it's the vodka, or maybe it is the ridiculous romantic comedies that I have had on in the background today, but I think I still feel hopeful.  Hopeful for romance.  Hopeful for something extraordinary.  Hopeful for something that will last.  I've been accused of being an optimist, many, many, times in my life.  Usually by close friends, in disgust.  I think I am still that.  So as jaded as I sometimes feel, I'm going to decide to put my heart out there, one more time.  I will.  I will believe that there is still something out there for me.  And when it comes my way, I will accept it.  I will.  I will not chase it away with sarcasm and bitterness.  So.  My New Year's resolution must be this: believe that love is possible for me.  If I can do that, I will be very satisfied.  Even if I don't find said love, I will be satisfied if I can at least accept that it might happen for me.  I'll keep you posted.