Learning that Getting Away Rocks

So I'm off on a shopping trip this weekend with a friend I've had since highschool. This is a much needed getaway. I've had the post-Christmas, post-production blues. The wallowing has moslty stopped now, which is great. There is no longer an urge to call, or email the ex. Ever. So that is a definite triumph. I joined Weight Watchers with my mom and sister two days ago. I always wnat to lose ten pounds, that's just me. I also want to concnetrate on eating healthier. And the humiliation of being weighed publicly by a total stranger is just what I need to stay on track.

I honestly can't afford this trip, but I know I need it. Looking forward to gossip, silliness, and girl time. And I'm sure wine will be involved, at some point. I will be no one's mother, no one's teacher, and no one's keeper. Sounds perfect.

Learning to NOT Google My Highschool Sweetheart

Eewww. Ick. Bad. Why did I do this? Well, I actually know why I did this. I had a very bizarre dream about my highschool boyfriend the other night. And he popped up in a place I wouldn't have expected him to be. And he was very, VERY prominent. And in the dream, I was very much into him, again, after all these years. So of course a curious gal like me is going to google him. It wasn't pretty. He was the winner of some fish derby contest in some tiny little hick town. He was fat. I barely recognized him. And he wore tiny little round glasses, which were all wrong for him, and only made his face look fatter. How did this happen to a guy I was so totally ready to marry when I was 17? And 18. And then later, after I broke up with him (for being too boring) and then realized I had dumped probably the only decent guy in a 300 mile radius, we got back together, and then I screwed it up again. AGAIN. And for the same reason. Boredom. But the thing is, at the time, this guy was so amazing for me. He balanced me out. He made my laugh. He was an amazing kisser. Sometimes I feel like I have been searching my entire life, since I broke up with my highschool boyfriend, to find someone just like him. Nice like him, And why is there a fruit fly climbing around my screen?? I hate fruit flies. But who the hell knows what this guy is like now. I've actually heard a bit of gossip about him. But he lives in this crazy tiny hick town, and I think maybe he isn't single anymore (divorce followed by quick set-up) and anyways, I know we wouldn't have a thing in common anymore. But then, why was he featured so prominently in my dream? So weird. Shane, wherever you are, I want you to know that you still rate a 10 on my best boyfriends ever list. And even though I'm not a huge fishing derby kind of gal, and the town you live in holds no joy for me, I want you to know that someone who used to love you, still thinks about that love know and then. And I really hope that you are happy, whatever you are doing, and whomever you are with. Because you will always remain, at least to me, the most decent guy on the planet. And I feel totally embarrassed that we had a Richard Marx song as "our song" Sooooooo very embarrassed.

Learning to Stop Being Pathetic

Yeesh. Okay, so my last blog was a tad pathetic. Quite pathetic. Extremely pathetic? Enough already. I'm surprised I still have followers! But it's great to have five official followers! And some random stranger found me by accident and even left me a lovely comment. Cool! Proof that it isn't just my very kind friends plowing through my depressing ramblings. So if I don't want to lose the readership that I do have, then I think it really is time to give the sad gal talk a rest. After all, it IS a new year, a fresh start, and who knows what 2011 might have in store for me? I will definitely do another show, and there is a possibility of fronting an already established local rock band. Someone I despise (probably the ONLY person I despise in the world) is returning to my city, and possibly my place of work, and although that definitely sucks, I refuse to let it affect me. Poisonous people are not unlike contaminated food items: As long as you stay away from them, they can't hurt you, not really! But people who exist only to put others down, people who revel in the failures of others, people who spread toxic nonsense about others in order to feel better about themselves, well these people are just plain sad. And maybe you are thinking, "Who is SHE to talk about "sad?" Well, I may be pathetic from time to time, when I am feeling sorry for myself but I can honestly say that I never have and never will take pleasure from someone else's misfortune. I never feel good about someone else's failure. And I always feel sincere happiness for people when they succeed. I've never bad-mouthed a friend, and I've never gone out of my way to humiliate another. Ever. I have no room in my life for anyone like that. And I never will. So, my message to the toxic people of the world is: Stay away from me, and from the people I love. If we all turned our backs on these people, they would have no power.

Well that ended up being kind of preachy. Sorry. But definitely an improvement from the sad, whiney stuff, don't you think?

Learning to be Lonely

I just feel so pathetic lately.  I know I'm better than this. Stronger than this.  I just don't understand why the loneliness is hitting me so very hard.  In unexpected ways.  I feel lost.  And that confuses me.  I wanted to be single. I wanted my independence.  It's still what I want, and need, right now.  But it hurts much more than I thought it would.   When my daughter isn't with me, I miss her, and miss her, and feel awful that she isn't with me.  But then, sometimes, when she is with me, I feel overywhelmed, and underequipped to handle being a single mother.  I feel like I should be doing it better.  And I feel guilty that she is the daughter of a broken marriage. I do.  Even though I know she would have been much worse off if I'd stayed in the marriage....I still feel guilty.  I watch stupid movies, and tv shows, and commercials, even, which showcase perfect families, doing perfect family things, and they all make me feel bad.  It's such a trap.  And I feel so bad that she is an only child.  I do.  But what hope do I have to change that?  I'm 37, soon to be 38, with no man in sight....and that makes me feel sad, too.  For her, and for me.  In a way, I don't feel like I'm done yet, having children.  But, I guess I am.  What choice do I have?  Men are so lucky.  They can have children until they are grandparents.  Well into their 70s and beyond.  But we have the ticking clock, and all the difficult choices, and the painful childbirth.....it just seems so unfair sometimes.   Sometimes I wish I would have had my daughter earlier, but I simply was not ready to be a mother until I was 32.  I wasn't.  It's funny: Just when I think I'm where I want to be in life, something changes, and I'm off striving for something else. I do know that this is how it should be.   I know that my willingness to embrace change is something that many people do not possess.  And I know that this willingness in important, from a growth point of view.  I know all of this.  I do.  But knowing shit, and accepting it, well, these are two different things.  Maybe it's the vodka, or maybe it is the ridiculous romantic comedies that I have had on in the background today, but I think I still feel hopeful.  Hopeful for romance.  Hopeful for something extraordinary.  Hopeful for something that will last.  I've been accused of being an optimist, many, many, times in my life.  Usually by close friends, in disgust.  I think I am still that.  So as jaded as I sometimes feel, I'm going to decide to put my heart out there, one more time.  I will.  I will believe that there is still something out there for me.  And when it comes my way, I will accept it.  I will.  I will not chase it away with sarcasm and bitterness.  So.  My New Year's resolution must be this: believe that love is possible for me.  If I can do that, I will be very satisfied.  Even if I don't find said love, I will be satisfied if I can at least accept that it might happen for me.  I'll keep you posted.

December 27th - Lonely, lonely Christmas

So this has been my first official single gal Christmas since my marriage broke up three years ago.  And it really kind of sucked, in many ways.  Even though both my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend both hated Christmas, bitched about it constantly, and generally killed my Christmas buzz often...I still had someone to celebrate with.  Someone to snuggle up with under the Christmas tree.  Someone to meet under the misteltoe.  I've been ridiculously lonely.  I've been very near to calling the ex and demanding he run over here immediately...very near indeed.  I haven't done it (yet) because I know I will regret it instantly.  But the thought of those wonderful, soft lips...I've never been kissed like that before in my life.  I suspect I never will.  It was just that good.   And more than the sex, I just miss being held.  Jesus,  I sound so pathetic.  I wish I could be one of those people who can just have sex and enjoy it and move on.  But I never have been. And I never will be.  I don't want to have sex without love, and I'm too afraid to be in another relationship.  Quite the conundrum.  Shit.

I'm No Longer Counting Days

I can't be sure to blog every night.  And I think that is probably a good sign.  The production I was in has wrapped up, and although I miss it, it is nice to have some time to myself.   My auntie died last night.  It's  a very sad thing. My mom and another sister were there with her. I don't think she had even been awake for a few days.  It's just all so very sad.  I wish I could do something to help my mom.  She lost a sister last year around this time.  Can't imagine how that feels.

I've been feeling very lonely lately.  I've been missing company. And I've been missing cuddles, and kisses.  I've been missing having someone to help me do the things I can't do myself.  I'm trying not to be sad, I really am.  But I am. 

Days 24 to 28: Living in a Production-filled Haze

I haven't blogged in ages.  Lashings of apologies, to the three or four of you out there who may have actually been following my progress (or lack thereof).  As I believe I have mentioned in previous entries, I'm involved in a huge community theatre production and it opens this Wednesday.  For the past three weeks it has been an almost every day thing.  So that, on top of a full time job, a child, a house I own by myself, and various other family obligations, means I have stretched pretty darn thin.  But I'm also loving it.  A lot.  I just love theatre people.  I do. For the most part, we are positive.  We are extroverts with a purpose.  We are also fairly decent people, I would say.  And fun.  Theatre people are fun.  And  non-judgemental.  And a little bit crazy.  I must admit, I will miss my little family when it is all finished.  It is always a huge let-down when a show ends.  It's almost like a break-up.  And I'm a little afraid of that.  Lately I have been so preoccupied with the show, that I really haven't had time to wallow, to cry, to regret.  I'm just a tad apprehensive about the possibility that when the show ends, I'll crash.  It very well could be a double break up situation to deal with, if I'm not careful.  My only hope is Christmas.  It's just around the corner, I've still got so much to do, so maybe that will occupy enough to save me from another crash.  At least, that is what I am hoping for.  Maybe that should be my Christmas wish. 

In other news, my auntie is in the hospital and things look very bad. I've never been particulary close to her, but she has always been someone I have thought about a great deal.  My aunt is mentally challenged,  and she has lived her life through a child's eyes, in many ways.  There were times when I was little that I was afraid of her.  I didn't understand why she was so different.  After that I was just very curious.  I wanted to know how if felt to be her.  Next came a sort of realization that maybe SHE was the one to be envied.  She didn't sit around sulking over a failed relationship.  She didn't get weighed down by the gallons of shit that the rest of us allow ourselves to get weighed down with.  She found happiness in the simple things. Imagine living your life through the eyes of a child.  In a lot of ways, I envy that.  We can never get back the magic of our childhood.  But she got to keep it.  And I think that makes her very fortunate, and very special.  And it makes me so sad to think that  she is in the hospital, in pain, probably confused and afraid.  She is one of the purest souls I've ever met.  I hope she finds the kind of peace that she deserves.