Days 20 and 21: The Curse of the Five Year Old's Germs

I'm sick.  I knew it was coming, I did.  My girl came home sick over a week ago, and I just knew it was coming for me.  I should have just licked her and got it over with.  But no, I had to go overboard with vitamins and Airbourne and do everything in my power to fight it off.  But the inevitable happened, and now I am sick.  And not like sniffles and a slight cough kind of sick.  I am fevered, I have razor-blade throat, I'm congested but also snotty, and I feel like my head is about to explode.  Often I feel dizzy.  Not the sort of thing you need one week before showtime.  Plus, I have the broken back, so I now need to choose between back pain medication and degongestants. Very tough call.

I spent most of the weekend in bed (well, on the floor, actually) and I think that helped a great deal.  But I still feel like a big bag of shite.  So I shall finish off my hot toddy, brush my teeth, and try to sleep with my mouth open.  I haven't had anymore scary phone calls or messages, so I'm thinking (hoping) that the worst is behind me.  I don't really believe that, but I am hoping for it.  After all, what do we have, if we don't have hope?  A whole lot of nothing, that's what I think.  Sweet dreams!

Day 19: Winter Sucks for Single Women

It is so sad that I had to have my poor, retired father come over and help me with my drive-way.  He has aches and pains, he already had to do his own, plus he is dealing with a recent dental thing.  My neighbour even had to help out.  I had like 4 feet of snow in the area around my side door.  Nasty.  I want to be able to do all of this stuff my self, but the truth is, I can't.  Not with my broken back.  But I just hate burdening my poor father.  Maybe staying in a bad relationship was worth the winter months of shoveling?  Hmm.  I guess not.  So currently I have an ice pack on my lower back, and I won't be able to type for long because I can't sit.  I need to stand or lie on the floor.  It really sucks.  I'm missing a show tonight that I already had a ticket to see.  So here I am, again, on the floor with my puppy.  Another lonely night.  At least I got a lot accomplished today.  A little shopping, some housework, the drive-way, of course, and I even made a fairly tasty beef stew.  I tried to do dumplings, too, but they just aren't very good.  And my puppy is so freaked out about the snow that he is refusing to do his business outside.  Instead, he is doing it inside.  Very gross.

I broke down and bought him a sweater and some boots today.  He hates them, but they do the trick.  He is able to spend more time outside without shivering, but he still won't pee for me.  Very frustrating.

So I need to get back down on the floor, now.  Time for some heat, then more ice.  After that, I'm thinking hot bath, then sleep.  On the floor, of course.  I keep thinking about that PussyCat Dolls song:  "I don't need a man to make me happy, I get off being free. I don't need a man to make me feel good. I get off doing my thing. I don't need a ring around my finger to make me feel complete."   I wonder if the PussyCat Dolls have to shovel their own driveways?  Did they consider this when they wrote this song?  Did the guy who probably wrote this song for them factor in the drive-way factor?   Dang.  I guess I don't need a man, but I do need someone to help me do my drive-way.  I think my puppy takes care of the rest.  Floor time now.  Ouch.

Day 18: Snow Storm (without a man) means I Have to Shovel!!!

Dang.  There is so much freaking snow out there. Seriously.  I tried to take my puppy out for a potty break earlier and he was like, I don't think so.  He rolled in the three feet of snow a bit, ate some, did some digging, then jumped back into the house.  He is totally going to pee on my floor tonight.  But, more importantly, I have to shovel.  I do.  I don't want to shovel.  Ever.  And I have this broken back, this very broken back, and how can I manage all of this?  I want to believe that I can handle it all.  Other women do.  I want to be complete with just me and my daughter, without any man.  I really, really do.  But truthfully, it is so much nicer when someone else takes out your garbage, does your recycling and shovels your driveway.  So much nicer.

But I guess I need to step up and just get it done.  I'm strong enough.   Maybe I can be every woman, like the song says.  So, I will shovel.  I will.   And it will be fine.  So I'm going to try to get my puppy to pee again, now, in the deep snow.  Wish me luck!

Day 17: Where Has My Libido Gone?

So I've just had a rather shocking realization.   I haven't even THOUGHT  about sex in ages.  My libido seems to have suddenly dried up.  I don't understand it.  Please understand, whatever issues my ex may have had, he was a dynamo in the bedroom.  And I suddenly found myself, after nearly ten years of a mostly sexless marriage, paired up with a guy who wanted to have sex every single day, at least once, and often three or four times a day.  It was the sexual jackpot! Plus, he absolutely knew what he was doing, if you know what I mean.  This guy was definitely my sexual lobster.  Since the break-up, I've missed him a lot, and I've missed the cuddles and the kissing and the spooning and the company, but I haven't really missed the sex, and I just don't understand why.  What has happened to me?  Could I be (gasp) past my sexual prime now?  I'm horrified.

Perhaps I have been so distracted by emotions that I have just been ignoring that part of me.  I hope that is what it is.  On the other hand, perhaps a lowered libido would be beneficial to me at this point in my life.  I mean, seriously, what prospects do I have?  I live in a small city, notorious for being short of single men, and I'm a 37 year old single mom.  Plus, I'm terrified of ever letting anyone move in with me again.  I worked hard to get my single gal house, which I love...why would I want to risk losing 50% of what I have to some guy if things go wrong? 

Even my battery-operated options have been completely ignored.  I haven't even had batteries in the rabbit for months.  Something is seriously wrong, here.  Maybe it is the onset of early menopause?  Now THAT would make me even more appetizing to the opposite sex, wouldn't it?  Jeez.   Now I'm totally depressed. 

A stupid 80s love song on the radio  got me shedding tears in the car today.  "Faithfully" by Journey was on, and I was singing along, and  when the line "Oh girl, you stand by me" came up, I just started blubbering.  Because I didn't stand by him.  I left him.  At least, that is what the guilt in me was thinking.  In reality, I know that I styaed with him for two years through all kinds of shit, because I wanted things to work and I wanted him to be what I believed he could be.  And once that thought hit me, the tears stopped, and I felt okay again.  I even finished singing the rest of the song.  I do love Journey.  If you don't have their greatest hits, I insist you go out and purchase it immediately. 

So I am going to finish my little glass of red, watch an episode of Seinfeld, and hit the floor, where I sleep these days due to lower back issues.  Sweet dreams.

Days 15 and 16

Busy, busy, busy times.  And that is a good thing.  I'm involved in a community musical theatre production, which is currently taking up loads of time, thank god.  Otherwise I'd have enough time to wallow and over-analyze stuff.  I had wicked nightmares again last night.  And it really bummed me out, because I've really been feeling positive these past few days.  In my dream I was back with my ex even though I didn't want to be.  I'm fuzzy on the details.  But we were at a family dinner and he was being so rude and so mean to everyone, including me, and I was just mortified.  I made up an excuse so we could leave early, and he yelled at me all the way home, blaming me for everything.  All I did was stare out the window and try not to cry.  When I woke up I was sure the whole thing had happened.  Once I was all the way awake, I realized that it had, in fact happened, about six months ago.  My dream was really an updated memory, with different clothing and circumstances thrown in.  Trippy.

I'm very sad about the arrangements for my daughter this Christmas.  My ex is claiming her for Christmas Eve festivities as well as for the meal on Christmas Day.  I think I will be devasted.  I've had her the past three Christmasses, I think, not because I was hogging her, but because the ex couldn't handle being around me and just let me have her.  ( I'm speaking of the ex husband here, not the ex boyfriend.....try to keep up!)   And then last year he had a girlfriend  (Natasha!)  so he decided to build his plans around her, which meant, again, that I had her for the main stuff.  This year will just about kill me.  I will be sleeping at the ex's house (on the couch) so we can all spend Christmas morning together.  I would rather die then wake up Christmas morning without my daughter!  That part will be great.  But the rest?  My family is so sad about this news.  Divorce really does suck, sometimes. 

So I plan to get to bed at a decent time tonight  and I hope and pray that my little Diva doesn't throw a fit in the morning when she wants to change her outfit about 2 seconds before we need to leave.  "But mama, this outfit is not fashionable enough, and the leggings don't match!"  she will complain.  I know a lot of this is my own fault, and part of me is thrilled that she has such a keen interest in fashion and takes obvious joy in creating interesting and bizarre looks, BUT,  she is certainly difficult to deal with in these situations, particularly in the morning rush.   Once again, I pray to Thor, Vishnu, Allah, Cliff Burton and the baby Jesus for guidance and strength.  Goodnight!!

Day 14: I Collapse Into Bed After a Very Long Day

Yeah, I think the title says it all.  I'm exhausted.  Need sleep. Badly.  Still feeling something like happy.  It isn't quite happiness, but it isn't depression, either.  I'm liking that a lot.  I am hoping it grows, or at the very least, that it remains.  No more tears for me, please.  At least for a while.  Sleep, now.  More tomorrow,

Day 13: I Feel Good (I knew That I Would, Now)

So although I didn't exactly spring out of bed this morning, I didn't have that cloud of gloom hovering over me.  I felt something approximating happiness.  It felt good.  It felt familiar.  I welcomed it without thinking about it too much.  I didn't want to scare it away.  I really think part of it is the effect the Christmas tree is having on me.  It looks so lovely standing in my front window.

So I'm going to have a glass of wine, followed by a cup of sleepy time tea, and then I'm off to try for 8 hours of sleep.  I did have nightmares last night, but not the ones I've been having every night.  These ones were about work, and being attacked, and fired, and no one believing the truth. Still not great dreams, but definitely less scary.

Let's see if this good mood lasts through Monday!!

Day Twelve: I Put Up My Christmas Tree Alone

You may very well ask why I would attempt such a thing in my current state of mind.  Am I a masochist?  No.  I don't think so, at any rate.  I decided to this today because I was hoping that all the Christmas stuff would put me in a cheerful mood.  I realize that this might seem like a foreign concept to many of you, but please understand that I have been a Christmas-loving freak my entire life.  I irritate almost everyone around me because of this.  With my relationships with men, as well as my friends and roommates, there have always been rules imposed concerning exactly how early I was allowed to start playing Christmas music.  There were also clear stipulations regarding how frequently and for what duration I was allowed to play my beloved Christmas music. 

I love Christmas.  Always have.  There is something magical about it, I think.  I know there is also a great deal of stress, and waste and worry...I know there are annoying drunk relatives and horrible gifts and near bankruptcy.  But beyond all of that, I think what I really love about Christmas is the social aspect.  We get to spend time with the people we love.  We get to see the people we miss.  We get to drink pretty much all day, if we choose.  During the Christmas season, it is totally acceptable!  I was so crushed when I discovered there was no Santa.  I was something embarrassing like 12 or 13. I read it in a Judy Blume book.  It ruined me.

Anyhoo...I was hoping that all of that would come back to me and help nudge me out of my blues.   And to be honest, it wasn't bad.  In fact, it was better than it has been in years, and I'll tell you why.  For the past 12 years, I've had a husband or a boyfriend who hates Christmas.  So, for the past 12 years, I've been putting up my tree alone and feeling pretty lonely.  I think it's worse to feel lonely when you are actually with someone than when you are alone.  So I wasn't feeling resentful, bitter, or sad that my significant other wasn't helping me.  It was my tree, my idea to put it up today, and all in all, it went well.  With a few minor hiccups, of course. 

First, most of the lights were dead.  This wouldn't not have been so much of an issue if the lights had not already been on the tree.  Yes, last year I decided to keep the tree up and just stick it in the basement out of sight.  My brillinat plan was that I would be able to just whisk it up the stairs this year and voila - -  a ready-lit tree.  Instead, I had to spend about an hour and a half trying to de-tangle the thousands of mini-lights form my tree.  But I didn't let this phase me.  With a certain degree of foresight, I had purchased an extra few sets of mini lights this year just in case.  So, I took a deep breath, poured myself a glass of white wine, and ended up with a beautifully lit Christmas tree which is show-cased in my front window.  There will be no decorating of it until I get my daughter back from her dad in a couple of days.  All in all, I am quite pleased with myself.

I also staked two sets of  cool lit-up snowflakes up my driveway, and hung my own hand-made wreaths from years ago on my front and side doors, and place one on my rec-room table as a center piece.  There are several boxes of other decorations and lights, but they will have to wait for another day.  My back is aobut to break and I think it is just about time to snuggle up with my puppy and look for a good chick flick. 

I feel much less angry today than I have in a while.  And considering I just got my period, I think this is a huge triumph!  I will celebrate with a long, hot, bubble bath and an early night. And if I'm lucky, I will have sweet dreams and uninterrupted sleep tonight.  Fingers crossed.  

Day Eleven: I Comfort-Eat

I know that you can't eat your blues away.  But sometimes, isn't it fun to try?  Today I tried with perogies, lasagne, macaroni casserole, veggie pizza, bruschetta, and edemame salad.  It hasn't made me a happier person, but it sure was enjoyable.  And just so you know, it was a pot-luck situation.  I did not sit down to entire meals of lasagne and meatballs.  So now I am slightly bloated, tired, and still angry.  But I'm not as angry as I was yesterday.  I call that progress.

I've been having horrible nightmares.  Most of them involve either my ex or some stranger trying to break into my house.  The theme of each of these dreams is fear.  Sometimes he gets in and chases me, sometimes I call the police and they arrest him, and sometimes he just stays out there, pounding on the door and shouting.  These are not the dreams I wish to be having.  I wake up feeling so unsettled, nervous, even afraid.  I'm never sure at first whether anything has actually happened.  Very terrible.

A remarkably annoying "motivational" speaker talked to us about replenishing our energy today.  She told us that when we are feeling over-tired, we should get more sleep.  Genius.  Thank god we have motivational speakers to help us understand these complexities.   She also compared energy to marbles and had a thing about people turning their heads instead of their chairs to face her.  If you've got a group of people you would like to suck the will to live out of, I highly suggest you book her.  Just make sure you turn your chair the right way.

Think I will cuddle up with my cherub-like daughter and call it a night.  "It's a night!"  More tomorrow.

Days Nine and Ten: All Fired Up

I am angry.  Extremely angry.  And I'm not exactly sure how to manifest this emotion.  Who the fuck does this guy think he is, exactly?  I am no longer concerned with why I let something like this happen to me.  Now I am concerned with why this guy thought he could DO this shit to me. I am not the problem.  He is.  All I wanted to have was a guy who would make me feel like I was the sexiest, most beautiful, most desirable woman in the world.  And he did that. Very, very well.  What I didn't want were the temper tantrums, the paranoia, and the accusations.  I didn't want to be verbally abused.  I didn't want my past mistakes thrown in my face on an almost daily basis.

And finally, I don't want to be afraid that he will turn up at my door at 3 am.  I don't want to be afraid every time the phone rings.  I want to reclaim my life.  Fixing someone who is broken is no longer my concern.   Now I am concerned with my own life.  Me, and my daughter.  Nothing else.  And God help the person who tries to come between that.  Single?  Yes, maam.  And just like the annoying McDonald's ad, I'm loving it!!

Day Nine: Gaining Perspective

So I spent a good chunk of time today reflecting on what I have in my life.  And I have a lot.  Why do I have to make myself crazy wanting more?  When I lose weight, I want to lose more.  When I have a lovely glass of wine, I want more.  And when I am happy, I want more of it.  Why can't we be happy with what we have?  Why do we always look around and wonder if there is more?  Shouldn't I know by now that the grass is NOT always greener on the other side?  If life has taught me anything, it is that quite often, the grass is putrid, burnt, or completely missing on the other side. So why do we torture ourselves? Why?  Learning to appreciate what I have is now my major goal in life.  I simply don't need other stuff.  I need to love what I already have.  And that is what I intend on focusing on from here on in. 

I'll let you know how it goes.

Day Eight: I Flee

So.  After my blog last night, I received the first of several angry emails from the ex.  Things turned nasty.  Gloves were most certainly off.  Blame was aimed everywhere.  "Who broke that lamp in 1972?  It was you,  Eddie!" That sort of thing.    Crazy accusations ensued.  Some of my past mistakes were brought up and thrown in my face.  The fact that I stayed in an unhappy marriage for nearly a decade came flying at me like an accusation:  Why could I give THAT guy ten years but not give HIM another chance after only two?

Next came the name calling.  And the comparison shit.  "You're no better than me" was typed a couple of times and I think he even called me a mental case.  And I kept replying to his stupid emails because I was worried about him and not sure what he would do.  I realize that this makes me a sucker and an enabler, but when I am that worried about someone else's welfare, it is nearly impossible for me to turn away. 

Cut to me discussing the entire episode with a friend/therapist, and here I am spending the night with my parents, afraid that things could escalate to an ugly place.  How did I get here??  How is it that I am forced out of my fabulous new single gal home because I am afraid of multiple phone calls and possible unwanted visits?  I just don't understand what brought me to this point.   Tonight I will pray to the god of perspective to let me in on what the hell is going on, here, in my life.  And while I am at it, I will also pray to Vishnu, Thor, and Cliff Burton, for reasons entirely of my own. 

Days 5, 6 and 7: Blah

I've been too low to blog these past three days.  And I've been dangerously close to caving and calling the ex and asking him over.  It's so sad.  I just miss him.  And I feel really lonely. And Christmas is around the corner, and the thought of spending it alone really terrifies me.  I have nothing of any worth to write about tonight.  I"ll try again tomorrow.  When will I see the positive side of being single?  Is there one, actually?  Tired.  Sleep.

Day Four: I Sing "Oh Canada" with a Cute Toddler

Today is Remembrance Day.  As usual, I teared up during the "Pittance of Time" video.  I also sang the National Anthem with a very cute toddler who definitely stole the show.  Very kissy cheeks.  It reminded me of the fact that there is stuff in my life that has value.  Stuff that is totally seperate from dating or boyfriends or any of it.   And this is a good thing.  I am a whole person and I don't need a man in my life to validate my existance.  I don't.  I am educated, talented, funny, beautiful, smart, and incredibly humble, obviously.  Why do I think I need a man in my life to feel whole? I blame society for this.  One hundred percent.   Why should single women feel LESS than women who have husbands or boyfriends? Because, realistically, at least 65% of those women are miserable in their relationships and desperately want out.  Am I wrong, here?  I think this is why attached women love to put single women down, especially single women who have left their marriages or relationships.  It is because they are jealous.  They are jealous because THEY want to be single, too.  They want to get away from their partners, but they are too afraid, or nervous, or brainwashed to do it.  They can't imagine that it is even possible to leave their partners.  I know this, because I used to be just like them.  I couldn't fathom leaving my marriage.  For years it seemed competely out of the question.  I remember it clearly.  I just don't really remember why it is that I was so convinced of this.  I mean, I was raised Catholic, but I certainly don't buy into the whole culty doctrine of it.  It just seemed to me that being divorced would somehow ruin my life.  And it is sad because I know that there are a lot of women out there who stay in horrible relationships for exaxtly that reason.  And that just sucks.

So, today I'm going to remember who I am.  Who I really am.  Who I used to be, who I wanted to be, and who I actually am now.  And I'm going to remind myself that who I am has absolutely nothing to do with any man.  Well, maybe my father, my uncle Bert, and possibly Popeye.  Apparently I wanted to marry him when I grew up.  That might explain my fondness for spinach.

Day Three: Zombie Girl

I made it through most of the day today just going through the motions.  I was Zombie Girl.  I managed to smile when I was supposed to smile and shrug my shoulders when that was called for...I did my job reasonably well  and managed to refrain from both tears and inappropriate fits of anger.  But I just felt numb all day.  Wrong.  Not myself.   I didn't really come out of that until I saw my beautiful daughter after school.  The second she launched in to her "Remebering Day Poem" which she will recite on the stage in front of her entire school tomorrow, I snapped out of it.   The thing is, I don't think that a single person noticed.  Not one.  Does this mean that I am a convincing actress, or does this mean that no one actually KNOWS me?  Or, even worse, does it mean no one pays ATTENTION??  Hmmm.  That's one to ponder. 

There was a call from my ex a few minutes ago.  I didn't answer, and he didn't leave a message.  I'm so tired of this dance.  It's so hard to resist the temptation to get sucked in again.  As soon as I let myself forget all the bad stuff, and start dwelling on the good times, the fun, then I find myself making all sorts of excuses for why I really should let him back in my life.  But even while I am making those excuses, I know deep down that it is a mistake.  I need to not be with this guy.  I know this.  So why is it so hard to stick to that?  What kind of a hold does he have on me, anyway?   It's a ringing phone.  That's all.  Why does it have to result in this panic within myself?  And it isn't just panic I feel; it's hope, too.  So twisted.  I want him but I don't. I want to be with him but I can't.  I still love him but I wish I didn't.   So what is the next step?  How do I move on and get back to normal me?  How can I put this guy behind me, finally?  That is a lot of questions.  Here is another one:  " Where is my glass of wine?"

Day Two: Bursting into Tears Watching Sex and the City

Yeah.  That's what happened to me.  I was sipping a glass of red wine, enjoying  an episode of Sex and the City.  It was the episode where Miranda meets Steve and tries to blow him off because she is too cynical to deal with the fact that he might actually like her.  So when she ran out into the rain to chase him down the street, and told him that maybe she could, in fact, believe that he liked her, and then they kissed ... well, I started to sob.  Out of nowhere.    And I mean REALLY sobbed.  It lasted for nearly ten minutes.  There was snot.  And a lot of mascara.  So now I look like Alice Cooper and I'm not really sure what happened.  Am I missing my ex? Yes, I am. Very much.   But I think it's more than that.  I think I'm scared silly of my future as a single gal.  What if I never again meet someone who I can actually be with.  Or, like Miranda, what if I meet him and by that point I am too cynical and jaded to see it?   What I would kill for right now is someone to spoon me.  And maybe stroke my hair until I fall asleep.  I just feel alone.  Totally alone.   A while ago I fell down the stairs in the middle of the night with my puppy in my arms.  As I lay on the floor wondering if anything was broken, I was struck by the most terrifying thought of my life, thus far:  I could die here and no one would know for at least 24 hours.  I'm all alone here.  There wasn't a phone near me. If something had been broken, or if I had been knocked unconscious, then that would have been it for me.  

I think I'm done blogging for today.  Here is my plan:  I will finish my glass of wine, turn out the lights, roll into a ball, and hope that sleep comes quickly.  Tomorrow needs to be better.  Not bursting into tears would be a plus.  There is no one but my puppy to say goodnight to, so I will  send it out to cyberspace:  "Goodnight, sweet dreams,  and hold on to your significant other like grim death. Otherwise,  like me, you might be facing the possibility of grim death one night when you fall down your stairs and have no one to help you." 

Maybe I should invest in one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" medic alert thingys.  They are marketed for old people, but maybe I could create a special one for sad singles like myself.  I bet I could make a million!!

Day One: Admitting that I am, in fact, SINGLE

Single.  What a loaded word.  At times we yearn to be just that.  But then, when we get there, it seems somehow pathetic, sad even.  This is exactly where I am now.  Single.   I'm 37.   Did you catch that?  37.  I don't know how that happened to me.  And somehow, I managed to NOT be single for the last  15 years or so.  At least not for more than a few weeks, if that.  And here I am, a single mother, separated, on my way to being divorced (one of these days when I can afford it)  and this is the first time since I was in my early 20s that I have found myself in this situation.  I'm not really sure what is expected of me.  What can I get away with?  What should I be doing?  I mean, sersiously, I'm pushing 40.  My eggs are shrivelling up as I type this.  I can't exactly offer a man children anymore.  Well, not without scientific intervention, or a trip to a foreign adoption agency and ten thousand bucks.

So, I made a decision.  I decided to blog.  I've never blogged before;  in fact, I've never used "blog" as a verb before. I'm not sure why I made this particular decision on this particular evening.  But here I am.  I doubt very much that anyone will even read these words.  But I think the point is just to put the words out there.  Get them out of me.  Into the cosmos.  Or wherever it is that unread blog words go.  The point is, I think it might be therapeutic for me.  And if anyone else DOES read this, then maybe my words, my mistakes, my crazy ramblings, might help someone else.  Or, at the very least, this blog might deter others from following in my path.

I have so very much to blog about.  I think I should begin with the end of my almost ten year marriagel.  But then again, the failed marriage doesn't tax me much these days.  The relationship that has me thrown for a loop at the moment is the relationship that came several months AFTER my marriage ended.  That is the one that has  me doing crazy things like this blog.  But I think I should save that until my next blog.  There is just too much to type, and I am one tired girl.  So if there is anyone out there reading this, I say to you:  I have no idea what is out there for me, or for any single girl over a certain age.  All I can say is, I promise to document it for you once I find out.  Sweet dreams, single people!!