Day Twelve: I Put Up My Christmas Tree Alone

You may very well ask why I would attempt such a thing in my current state of mind.  Am I a masochist?  No.  I don't think so, at any rate.  I decided to this today because I was hoping that all the Christmas stuff would put me in a cheerful mood.  I realize that this might seem like a foreign concept to many of you, but please understand that I have been a Christmas-loving freak my entire life.  I irritate almost everyone around me because of this.  With my relationships with men, as well as my friends and roommates, there have always been rules imposed concerning exactly how early I was allowed to start playing Christmas music.  There were also clear stipulations regarding how frequently and for what duration I was allowed to play my beloved Christmas music. 

I love Christmas.  Always have.  There is something magical about it, I think.  I know there is also a great deal of stress, and waste and worry...I know there are annoying drunk relatives and horrible gifts and near bankruptcy.  But beyond all of that, I think what I really love about Christmas is the social aspect.  We get to spend time with the people we love.  We get to see the people we miss.  We get to drink pretty much all day, if we choose.  During the Christmas season, it is totally acceptable!  I was so crushed when I discovered there was no Santa.  I was something embarrassing like 12 or 13. I read it in a Judy Blume book.  It ruined me.

Anyhoo...I was hoping that all of that would come back to me and help nudge me out of my blues.   And to be honest, it wasn't bad.  In fact, it was better than it has been in years, and I'll tell you why.  For the past 12 years, I've had a husband or a boyfriend who hates Christmas.  So, for the past 12 years, I've been putting up my tree alone and feeling pretty lonely.  I think it's worse to feel lonely when you are actually with someone than when you are alone.  So I wasn't feeling resentful, bitter, or sad that my significant other wasn't helping me.  It was my tree, my idea to put it up today, and all in all, it went well.  With a few minor hiccups, of course. 

First, most of the lights were dead.  This wouldn't not have been so much of an issue if the lights had not already been on the tree.  Yes, last year I decided to keep the tree up and just stick it in the basement out of sight.  My brillinat plan was that I would be able to just whisk it up the stairs this year and voila - -  a ready-lit tree.  Instead, I had to spend about an hour and a half trying to de-tangle the thousands of mini-lights form my tree.  But I didn't let this phase me.  With a certain degree of foresight, I had purchased an extra few sets of mini lights this year just in case.  So, I took a deep breath, poured myself a glass of white wine, and ended up with a beautifully lit Christmas tree which is show-cased in my front window.  There will be no decorating of it until I get my daughter back from her dad in a couple of days.  All in all, I am quite pleased with myself.

I also staked two sets of  cool lit-up snowflakes up my driveway, and hung my own hand-made wreaths from years ago on my front and side doors, and place one on my rec-room table as a center piece.  There are several boxes of other decorations and lights, but they will have to wait for another day.  My back is aobut to break and I think it is just about time to snuggle up with my puppy and look for a good chick flick. 

I feel much less angry today than I have in a while.  And considering I just got my period, I think this is a huge triumph!  I will celebrate with a long, hot, bubble bath and an early night. And if I'm lucky, I will have sweet dreams and uninterrupted sleep tonight.  Fingers crossed.