Days 15 and 16

Busy, busy, busy times.  And that is a good thing.  I'm involved in a community musical theatre production, which is currently taking up loads of time, thank god.  Otherwise I'd have enough time to wallow and over-analyze stuff.  I had wicked nightmares again last night.  And it really bummed me out, because I've really been feeling positive these past few days.  In my dream I was back with my ex even though I didn't want to be.  I'm fuzzy on the details.  But we were at a family dinner and he was being so rude and so mean to everyone, including me, and I was just mortified.  I made up an excuse so we could leave early, and he yelled at me all the way home, blaming me for everything.  All I did was stare out the window and try not to cry.  When I woke up I was sure the whole thing had happened.  Once I was all the way awake, I realized that it had, in fact happened, about six months ago.  My dream was really an updated memory, with different clothing and circumstances thrown in.  Trippy.

I'm very sad about the arrangements for my daughter this Christmas.  My ex is claiming her for Christmas Eve festivities as well as for the meal on Christmas Day.  I think I will be devasted.  I've had her the past three Christmasses, I think, not because I was hogging her, but because the ex couldn't handle being around me and just let me have her.  ( I'm speaking of the ex husband here, not the ex boyfriend.....try to keep up!)   And then last year he had a girlfriend  (Natasha!)  so he decided to build his plans around her, which meant, again, that I had her for the main stuff.  This year will just about kill me.  I will be sleeping at the ex's house (on the couch) so we can all spend Christmas morning together.  I would rather die then wake up Christmas morning without my daughter!  That part will be great.  But the rest?  My family is so sad about this news.  Divorce really does suck, sometimes. 

So I plan to get to bed at a decent time tonight  and I hope and pray that my little Diva doesn't throw a fit in the morning when she wants to change her outfit about 2 seconds before we need to leave.  "But mama, this outfit is not fashionable enough, and the leggings don't match!"  she will complain.  I know a lot of this is my own fault, and part of me is thrilled that she has such a keen interest in fashion and takes obvious joy in creating interesting and bizarre looks, BUT,  she is certainly difficult to deal with in these situations, particularly in the morning rush.   Once again, I pray to Thor, Vishnu, Allah, Cliff Burton and the baby Jesus for guidance and strength.  Goodnight!!