I made it through most of the day today just going through the motions. I was Zombie Girl. I managed to smile when I was supposed to smile and shrug my shoulders when that was called for...I did my job reasonably well and managed to refrain from both tears and inappropriate fits of anger. But I just felt numb all day. Wrong. Not myself. I didn't really come out of that until I saw my beautiful daughter after school. The second she launched in to her "Remebering Day Poem" which she will recite on the stage in front of her entire school tomorrow, I snapped out of it. The thing is, I don't think that a single person noticed. Not one. Does this mean that I am a convincing actress, or does this mean that no one actually KNOWS me? Or, even worse, does it mean no one pays ATTENTION?? Hmmm. That's one to ponder.
There was a call from my ex a few minutes ago. I didn't answer, and he didn't leave a message. I'm so tired of this dance. It's so hard to resist the temptation to get sucked in again. As soon as I let myself forget all the bad stuff, and start dwelling on the good times, the fun, then I find myself making all sorts of excuses for why I really should let him back in my life. But even while I am making those excuses, I know deep down that it is a mistake. I need to not be with this guy. I know this. So why is it so hard to stick to that? What kind of a hold does he have on me, anyway? It's a ringing phone. That's all. Why does it have to result in this panic within myself? And it isn't just panic I feel; it's hope, too. So twisted. I want him but I don't. I want to be with him but I can't. I still love him but I wish I didn't. So what is the next step? How do I move on and get back to normal me? How can I put this guy behind me, finally? That is a lot of questions. Here is another one: " Where is my glass of wine?"
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